Monday, September 23, 2013

Goodbye 20's hello 30's

Today is my birthday. I am beginning a new chapter in my life, the life of a thirty year old woman. It's bitter sweet for me because when you're in your twenties there's this carefree attitude about the choices you make in life. You are still young and learning about who you are as an adult and when things go eyry it feels more like a life lesson rather than being viewed as a consequence. 

In the last ten years I brained stormed what career path I would like and my reasons behind those choices. I went from wanting to go to culinary school to wanting to be a music producer/song writer. I never actually wanted to be a chef but my father had a background in cooking and he taught me a thing or two about it so I thought maybe I would like it. I never went to culinary school and I think that was a wise choice since I hardly ever cook unless you count heating up left overs in the microwave. I did however receive a bachelor's degree in Radio/Television which is when I discovered how much I love playing with sound. I loved all of the creative possibilities there are when you understand sound and how to manipulate it to become something unique and unexpected. I have written poetry/lyrics since I was thirteen. When I began my quest as a sound guru I turned my love for poetry into songs. In my 20's I graduated from two schools that focused on sound engineering/sound design and recording/mixing music. I also interned (for free), shadowed and assisted producers/sound engineers, worked on freelance projects (without receiving a dime) all in hopes that all my hard work would pay off.

Being so focused and dedicated to one craft for the majority of my twenties made me realize just how driven I can be... but it also lead to some heartache. I was so closed off to any possibilities that I might find positive experiences within other avenues besides sound production. My stubbornness allowed me to become a negative person and put me in an emotional and financial crisis. I was consumed with the fact that all I wanted was to work as a sound engineer in music and post production that every time a broken promise or a job opportunity didn't go my way I became angry and spiteful. Whenever someone would try and give me advice about maybe exploring other job opportunities while I'm waiting for my dream job to come my, I felt as if that person didn't believe in me and didn't think that I was good enough. This would cut deep because as a child in my primitive school years I wasn't really told how smart or clever I was. My Dad was always out to sea so my mother was the one in charge of my school work. My mother had no remorse when it came to "teaching" me how to become a good student. She had no patience and was quick to correct me in ways that I rather not discuss. Let's just say the way she treated me and the way she chose to discipline me is a memory I can't get out of my head even to this day and I wouldn't wish her approach on any child. I lacked a lot of self confidence in my childhood and teens because of my mothers approach. In some ways I can say that it has even crept into my early adult years as well.  During the majority of my twenties I wouldn't allow myself to become romantically involved with anyone especially not in a long term  relationship. I felt that without having the dream job I imagined for myself for such a long time that I wasn't whole. I didn't see how I could ever make someone else happy when I had so much anxiety and stress in my own life. I didn't think I had anything to offer someone.

I finally came to the realization that I was depressed and unhappy. I didn't like who I was becoming. So I decided to change my ways and to allow myself to explore other career paths and to try and see the more positive side of each experience. I have been very happy and in love with my boyfriend Brian for almost two years now. I know that if I allowed myself to hold on to the negativity I would just be torturing myself and would have never realized how happy I could be in a relationship. Although to this day I don't think that I have found the career path that is just the right fit for me I am hopeful that I will someday soon.

 I look at the failures and lows in my life as a way of molding me into a wiser and a more open minded person. I learned a lot about myself in my twenties and although I'm a little apprehensive of what is to come my way in my thirties I am a much more content and calmer person than I use to be. I am at a point in my life where I don't allow my childhood trauma to define who I am. I know my self worth and I know that there has been an immense amount of growth on my part. In my thirties I want to approve upon becoming a more confident, strong and rational thinker but to also allow myself to be emotional in matters of the heart. I basically would like to become a more well rounded woman who knows just how to stay balanced especially when life throws obstacles my way. 


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